After the year that was 2012, life felt like a blur. I was merely existing, not truly living anymore. I was numb, overwhelmed with grief and guilt. There is no handbook for dealing with the grief that comes with losing a child. At the time, I didn't think I knew anyone else who had lost a child. It was all so new. I didn't like it and wanted to wake up and have the nightmare be over.
I needed to get away from it all, even if just for 5 minutes. It felt like it was consuming me, and I couldn't breathe. My sister reached out and suggested a trip to visit her. It was exactly what I needed.
I jumped on a plane and flew up to sunny Queensland for some much-needed R&R. It was my first time being away from the girls and G for more than a night. I spent 5 awesome days with her, driving up and down the coast. We had a perfect day in Byron Bay, where I took my first-ever walk up to the lighthouse. Then we headed north to the beautiful beaches of Noosa. We enjoyed delicious food, did lots of walking, and most importantly, did loads of talking. She helped me remember my dreams and hopes for my family. She reminded me of the life I had always envisioned for my little family. I wanted it to be different from what we had growing up. I didn’t want a dysfunctional family, trauma, or pain. I wanted us to be living our best lives, going on adventures, and experiencing the world together. Losing Joshua felt like that dream had been taken away. She reminded me that the choice was mine and that I could decide how I lived my life.
That evening, I called G to check in and say hi to the girls. Once the girls had finished telling me about their day and it was just G and me talking, I asked him to start looking into real estate agents. He went quiet. “Why do I need to find a real estate agents?” he asked, sounding really concerned. “It’s time to sell, and I think we should move to Newcastle to be closer to you parents and family. We both love visiting there and have said it’s a beautiful place to raise the kids. I feel it might give us the fresh start we all need.”
We sold our first home at the end of 2013 and officially moved to Newcastle, NSW, in January 2014. G had grown up in Newcastle and had only moved away after his overseas travels. He first moved to Sydney and then Victoria with me.
It was a crazy time—Joshua’s first anniversary, my Nan’s 90th birthday, our daughters birthday, Christmas, New Year’s, and an interstate move! What were we thinking?
It turned out to be the best move ever. I won’t lie; we’ve still had tough times, but I will be forever grateful to my incredible sister for truly seeing and understanding me during that time and helping me to see and fight for what I wanted.
By the time we had moved to Newcastle, G’s brother, brothers wife, and two boys had also moved back to Newcastle. We now had the support of G’s family all around us.
Daily trips to the lake or even the beach became our new normal. Warm weather and incredible storms! The fresh start had begun...
- Huge THANK YOU to my AWESOME sister. Thank you for being you, I love you always and forever xxx